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whatthehayI'm sitting at home, once again missing work, and watching the wind blow the trees and the promise of rain. The trees are too close to the house and I can hear them drag their branches across the roof as if they wanted in.
The leaves are turning and dropping. The death of winter is coming upon us. And I feel uneasy.
I do not like autumn or winter. No matter how much I rationalize that the plants and earth (at least this part of it) is going dormant, I cannot shake the feeling that it is death and sadness.
Why does it seem like I feel it more as I grow older? Do I know or imagine too much?
Many of my friends say how much the LOVE autumn and they can hardly wait for snow. I think they're nuts. What's to love about a barren earth, coldness that can kill with ice and bad roads, bad weather that keeps a person from even doing routine things like go to the grocery or make it to work?
I do not like being too cold or too hot for that matter. I do not play. My heart aches when the leaves start to die, because no matter how pretty a color they turn, that is exactly what they are doing. I feel apprehension.
And the darkness. I don't like that either. I'm finding it harder and harder to make myself get up when it's dark and cold. Why should I have to?
This morning I woke and realized I could not remember if I'd taken my epilspy medication before bed. My seizures have always been set off in the mornings, usually pushing myself to get out of bed and stressing out over getting to work (or whatever-sometimes it's other things). I have to drive 5 miles to catch the bus. Is it worth the chance that I might have a seizure on the way to work? Nope. I took some meds when I got up and felt very odd for a few hours, but seem pretty safe now.
I want a light that comes on very softly and perhaps grows in volumn over an hour period or so. We thought we'd found just the right thing-an alarm clock with "morning" light, various noises and even an aroma-tray on top, but we cannot make it start as a low light and get brighter. It starts full bright with is so startling that my heart races when it goes off. Ow.
Sigh. I must steel myself for these seasons. I just need to figure out how.
The leaves are turning and dropping. The death of winter is coming upon us. And I feel uneasy.
I do not like autumn or winter. No matter how much I rationalize that the plants and earth (at least this part of it) is going dormant, I cannot shake the feeling that it is death and sadness.
Why does it seem like I feel it more as I grow older? Do I know or imagine too much?
Many of my friends say how much the LOVE autumn and they can hardly wait for snow. I think they're nuts. What's to love about a barren earth, coldness that can kill with ice and bad roads, bad weather that keeps a person from even doing routine things like go to the grocery or make it to work?
I do not like being too cold or too hot for that matter. I do not play. My heart aches when the leaves start to die, because no matter how pretty a color they turn, that is exactly what they are doing. I feel apprehension.
And the darkness. I don't like that either. I'm finding it harder and harder to make myself get up when it's dark and cold. Why should I have to?
This morning I woke and realized I could not remember if I'd taken my epilspy medication before bed. My seizures have always been set off in the mornings, usually pushing myself to get out of bed and stressing out over getting to work (or whatever-sometimes it's other things). I have to drive 5 miles to catch the bus. Is it worth the chance that I might have a seizure on the way to work? Nope. I took some meds when I got up and felt very odd for a few hours, but seem pretty safe now.
I want a light that comes on very softly and perhaps grows in volumn over an hour period or so. We thought we'd found just the right thing-an alarm clock with "morning" light, various noises and even an aroma-tray on top, but we cannot make it start as a low light and get brighter. It starts full bright with is so startling that my heart races when it goes off. Ow.
Sigh. I must steel myself for these seasons. I just need to figure out how.
